This blog is where I escape from reality & is the result of the listening part of me. Oh btw, I dont talk much in real life.

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Wednesday, 2 August 2017

Being anxious and in love can be very taxing. One moment it's all light and airy but it could turn demanding in matter of seconds; from magic to tragic real quick.

You constantly worry if all that you've done is enough (or too much?). You worry about annoying your other half with your clinginess. You fear that all the affection you crave for becomes troublesome. It keeps your mind racing over little things that aren't even a big deal. Most of all, you worry that your other half could lose their feelings for you overnight.

And then when bad things happen, you can't help but put the blame entirely on you. You think you're the reason this whole thing didn't work - because of your clinginess and annoyingness. You blame yourself for not putting in enough effort even when you've done all that you can. You think your partner ends up getting tired of putting up with your shenanigans and ends up leaving.

I'm afraid. I'm afraid because I don't want to fall hard for a person and then end up being left all alone as if I never mattered. I'm afraid that they're going to find someone new who's more interesting than this clingy ass and decide I'm not the one for them anymore. I'm afraid that no matter how much effort I put in, or how many sweet things I do for them, it just won't be good enough. I'm afraid of giving them my heart and giving them the power to dictate my actions. I'm afraid of falling deeper in love, when they're falling further out of love. I'm afraid of the pain from heartbreak. I'm afraid to deal with countless sleepless nights, crying and wondering where did it all go wrong.

I'm terrified of so many things about love. Love has failed me so many times before. But then no matter how great my fears are, I still let myself fall.

Every.

Damn.

Time.

Sunday, 30 July 2017

A little update on my previous post.

So I confessed to A about my feelings. I kind of said I wanted something more and I'm not here to be the rebound guy. A told me I'm not the rebound guy, which is good, but there's one thing A said that was the total opposite of what I wanted to hear, that is A only sees me as a friend. Then I asked, "is there ever gonna be anything more than this?" A couldn't give me an answer just yet.

Well, that kind of sucked. I just poured my heart out and then got a response that I totally didn't see coming. I'm really torn at the moment. I understand A's decision and A even admitted that there's still residual feelings for B and if A were to agree to this it would become even messier. I didn't want to force A either or else it would not turn out great for either of us. At the same time I still want to talk to A on a daily basis and act as if I didn't just hand over my heart and got it smashed into pieces. *exaggeration alert*

The truth is, I'm happy with where we are now and I really don't want to ruin that. At least me opening up to A about my feelings somehow helped? It would be very unhealthy if I were to repress my feelings and I would end up having expectations, ergo left disappointed. Also it would be toxic since we both have different expectations for this. At least now I get to tailor my actions and decisions to this redefined (?) direction of our relationship.

Wow, I sound like such a mature adult. I guess all of this came because of the lessons I learned from my previous relationship. I want us to communicate and to always speak our minds even about things that are uncomfortable and somehow try to make the uncomfortable become comfortable, if that made any sense. I don't want to regret not saying some stuff just because I didn't think they would get it. I want to be completely honest and it's working. Somehow? I have always been the one in the relationship who wants to talk about stuff and previously it hasn't done me much cause the other side would be so scared and end up walking away from all the talks I demanded.

I don't know, man. I haven't really told anyone about this because I don't want this to become such a big deal, but ugh I really wish I had a person to talk to about my decisions regarding all of this cause clearly I haven't been making the best decisions.
Black Moustache