This blog is where I escape from reality & is the result of the listening part of me. Oh btw, I dont talk much in real life.


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Sunday, 10 March 2019

For the first time in my life, liberty feels damning. There is no proper plan or structure laid out in front of me. Nothing to particularly look forward to. Just an eerie overwhelming sense of unknown. And for the first time in my life, I'm diving straight ahead.

I'm at the airport. By myself. Reevaluating my priorities in life. How the fuck did I end up here?

My life the last few years has been nothing but a series of rejections and disappointments. I'm not even exaggerating when I say I've been pretty much on my own especially in the last few months. I've had plenty of time to figure myself out - the things I'm passionate about, the things that aren't working for me, and even the things I keep coming back to no matter how much air they suck out of my lungs.

I've been saying this for a while now; that I need a break from everything and everyone. To allow myself to recover, to stand strong on my own, to be able to cope under overwhelming waves of hurt and emotions. My body is tired, screaming for the train to stop but the tracks just keep leading up to nowhere. It seems like I'm moving forward when I've been really moving in circles.

I'm not trying to discount any of my high moments but they seem scarce and scattered. It's like moving upwards just to tumble even further down than when I started. And when I fall, I fall hard. Especially when it involves a person.

How can a person make you feel on top of the world and down in the dumps at the same time? That's wild. It should be a superpower or something. It's easy to tell someone to get out of a toxic relationship but really when push comes to shove, it's not that easy to do when you don't have a strong support system outside of that relationship. You'll find yourself coming back to that familiar sense simply because that's the only valued thing you got going. And because for so long, they have been your home, your safe place.

For you, if you ever read this: please let me go. Know that I will always be your number one supporter, the silent rooter in the sidelines. I hate that it had to be this way. I've loved you from the very first day. But for now, I have to go. I love you. Always have. Always will.

Tuesday, 25 December 2018

Fuck my life la honestly. I don't know why I constantly let people treat me like shit or why I always find myself letting go even when my feelings are affected by someone's doings. Funny how I always end up in the same old toxic pattern of being attached to the wrong people and end up having all sorts of expectations out of nothing - all because I tend to perceive someone's care as something exclusive. I guess it's because there's not much going on in my life that the minute someone shows any interest at all in my day to day life, I'd almost instantaneously associate it as being more than what it really is.

My biggest trigger is when I feel abandoned. Ironic, isn't it? I couldn't take knowing I'm not a priority or that I'm nothing but second best. I guess they come from my past experiences of being cheated on and being left for someone else. That's just how I feel growing up; that I'm never good enough, that nobody's cared enough about me to stay, that people will leave as soon as I'm pushed out of their priority.

I have very much acknowledged my attachment issues and have been trying to figure ways to deal with it but every time I feel like I'm succeeding, I fail. I fail to recognise common courtesy from affection. I fail to stop myself from building up unnecessary expectations. I fail to rely on myself when things go bad. I fail to develop healthy coping mechanisms. And most importantly, I fail to reach out in times of need.

In acknowledging these things, I guess I've built up a wall around me. I'm scared to reach out cause every time I do, I fall back onto the same pattern and essentially set myself up for more pain. From the outside looking in, it's fair to say I'm probably addicted to it by now. It's familiar. It's numbing.

I'd want to say I no longer have the tolerance I used to have for people, but who am I kidding? I still have a long way to go to be self-dependent.

Anyway, I just want to say that things are getting bad again and I'm not even close to feeling good.
Black Moustache