This blog is where I escape from reality & is the result of the listening part of me. Oh btw, I dont talk much in real life.

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Wednesday, 17 January 2018

It's currently 12:14am where I'm at and that just means I missed writing about turning 21 on my birthday. I've been pretty good at maintaining birthday posts over the past years but this time I was a bit exhausted. The good kind of exhausted.

I'm 21 and in Rome with my best friend. My life's been pretty okay recently. I have literally zero expectations for the coming year but I have promised myself that it's time for me to put myself in the centre of my own universe for once. I guess all this time I've been putting other people first and honestly it's not all that bad. It's just sometimes people not only walk over my kindness, in fact they run all over it. I've decided this time around that if they run over me, I'm going to get up, brush off the dirt and run the fuck out of them back. Ok, not literally cause I'd never do something like that but yeah, you get the idea. Haha.

Work has been piling up and sometimes it feels like my to-do list grows twice as much as I cross off one thing on the list. It feels never-ending, but I found satisfaction in being able to finish things up - just being productive in general. I've never really considered myself as a workaholic, but the past week I've been keeping up with studies and work and I've never felt better. What other form of self love that's more rewarding than keeping up with your responsibilities, am I right?

For my future 21 year old self who's up at 1 am rereading his old posts, I hope you're doing good. I hope you're staying hydrated. I hope you've done your night skincare routine and brushed your teeth. I hope you've finished the book you're currently reading (it's Secrets for the Mad by Dodie, just in case you forgot). I hope you're not up thinking about the people who don't value your presence. Walk tf out of there. Run. Run as far as you possibly can. They don't deserve you. I hope you listen to your (my?) own advice. I hope you're good. Even if you're not, know that I have your back, bb. You'll be alright. I love you.

Here's to being able to use my ID to get into the club without getting bounced back (lol jk I don't party) *insert black moon emoji* hehe.

Saturday, 13 January 2018

Sweet Caroline,
Good times never seemed so good,
I've been inclined,
To believe it never would.

These days I find myself desperately clinging on to every bit of happiness possible. Like, when things are going good, all I can think of is "am I sucking in all the joy possible out of this joyful instance?". I guess it's been conditioned in my brain that things can go south in an instant and I'd want to have the best possible outcome of my good times. Imagine eating a really really good meal, knowing you would have to finish it but at the same time you feel guilty about having to finish it cause it's so good that you want to eat it exclusively for the rest of your life but you also want to savour every last bite possible and not waste even a drop of it. A bit like that.

It's pathetic, to be honest, that I find myself being this way - living (more like surviving) from one happy moment to another. It's as if I'd have to recharge myself and store every bit of joy only to anticipate bad times. Until then, I won't have to discharge the stored happiness. As if thinking about good times actually did me any favour in the past. lol

Through experience, it didn't really help to think about good times. In fact it only made things worse knowing how happy I was at one point in time, instead of feeling so helpless. It just made feel trapped in a pit of self-loathe, for putting myself in similar, if not exact, situations that I knew from the get go would only cause me hurt. Why do I love sabotaging myself so much?

But then again, I'm not saying I don't enjoy being happy. Don't get me wrong. I love where I'm at currently. Not in the best possible place, I suppose, but enough for me to mean it when I say "I'm good".

Don't mind me, it's just my brain playing mind games with me again. We do that all the time - obsess over things not worth fussing over. Sometimes I have to consciously tell myself to stop. That I don't want to think anymore and I just want to be present and enjoy the moment without any distractions from anyone, not even myself. I have to stop obsessing and just.. live carefree.

Anyway, I was listening to Dodie's cover of Sweet Caroline (splendid cover 10/10 would recommend) and the lyrics got me thinking about good times and how good things are going for me now. Welp, let's see how long this is going to last before I ruin things for myself. lol

But really, I'm happy. :)
Black Moustache