This blog is where I escape from reality & is the result of the listening part of me. Oh btw, I dont talk much in real life.

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Monday, 7 May 2018

We all get lost sometimes.

These last few months have not been great for me. Lately I feel like my life has been moving too fast that sometimes I find myself not knowing where I fit in. And when I thought I have it all figured out, there it goes changing and I'm basically back to square one, having to do it all over again. All my life I've been trying too hard to do things right. To be the perfect son, the perfect student, the perfect friend, the perfect colleague, the perfect Muslim, the perfect lover. I have little room for error for myself and every time I find myself messing up I beat myself up for it. I don't think I've ever truly forgiven myself for all my past mistakes. At least the monumental ones. Make peace with your mistakes, and they'll turn gold. Yet mine remain as stones that often keep coming back to hit me.

Also lately I find it difficult to believe I have a strong support system. I feel like every time I open up to people they'll end up leaving me, indifferent to the fact that it was the time I need them most. I've been feeling so shitty when they do so because I feel like nobody understands me, and what hurts more is they made me feel shitty for wanting them to understand me.

Now there's only a handful of people who know what's really going on with me and when you don't have that many people to turn to, you tend to depend on the same people and can't help but feel like you're burdening them. Also because in the past I've had people telling me I'm too demanding and that I expect too much from them but sometimes I really can't help it. I guess when things get real, that's when you know the people who will be there.

I've lost a lot of people in this journey. The people who I thought would be there, to listen, to understand. Not for sympathy. I don't need your sympathy. I just want you to shut up and listen to whatever I have to say without any unsolicited opinions. And please don't make it about you. When I talk about myself it's about me and me only. We can talk about you after I'm done but for now, just please focus on me. Sounds selfish but I need that.

It's exhausting. It's even more exhausting doing it alone. And that's how I've been feeling. That I'm all alone.

Thursday, 19 April 2018

Do you guys ever meet someone and instantly know they'll be in your life for a long while? Like there's something about them that makes you want to spend your days with them, without getting tired of talking to them every other day, even after the daily 5-hour FaceTime calls. Your go-to person for pretty much everything in your life. The good, the bad and everything in between. Husni's that person to me.

Over the last 2 years, he's always been there. I don't remember a time when he wasn't in the picture. It all started with a "Let's watch X-Men" and the rest is history. Mind you, I had no clue what was going on since I was never a big fan of X-Men and he patiently explained the plot to me while we were watching it. His explanations were never short of brief. Always very detailed, not missing out even a single bit. We talked about so many things that day, despite the fact we never hung out before. I felt really comfortable with him, right from the very beginning.

Funny how now when one of us goes to an event without the other, our mutual friends would always ask for the other. I guess people know how close we are already, and I'm not complaining. Haha.

Some days when I'm not really up to anything I'd go over to his place just to chill and watch some YouTube or TV shows. On days when we meet and barely even talk, knowing he's there is enough for me. He always has something on his plate, busy man that he is, and that includes having to entertain me lol. Sometimes I'm afraid he's tired of me being too present in his life since he's never not complaining about it but heh, I'm not really sorry. I know he enjoys it too. :p

He can be so mean too? Ugh sabar je lah haha. I guess sometimes he's had it with my bullshit and being the straightforward person that he is, he'd just tell me. But I'd still annoy him any day lol.

And on days when I don't feel so good, just talking with him about the most random thing can instantly make me feel better. He'd just be blunt and sometimes the things he says can take me by surprise but I know he's trying to help.

I'm forever thankful for him. Feeling so so lucky that our paths crossed.

Thank you for sticking by, Husni. I'm sorry if I've ever been too much for you to handle. Happy 21st birthday. I hope you like your present. Love you long time, best friend.

my fav picture of us <3
(that was taken in Italy 2 days after my birthday???)

p.s. I'm not sure if you read my blog, but I'm posting it here just in case
Black Moustache