This blog is where I escape from reality & is the result of the listening part of me. Oh btw, I dont talk much in real life.

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Wednesday, 14 June 2017

I've only been home for a week and I can definitely claim that it's been the best week of the year yet. I felt cherished, loved and greatly valued. I forgot what it felt like to be truly content with my life and I bet it's mostly because of the people I was surrounded with throughout the past week. They remind me of the reasons I love home. They made me forget of the hell I've been through, being away from them for so long that I felt so lost and alone. They reassured me that friendships don't have expiry dates. They represent all the things I parted from, only to find my way back to them 'cause they are my heart's ultimate desires.

We under-appreciate the power of having iftars with our families so much. I got a bit emotional when I first had the opportunity to be back on the dining table with all my family members around. We shared bites, had some good laughs and I felt belonged for the first time in a long while. I also saw my close friends and had iftars with them too. I've missed having people around and feeling very complete.

Home is definitely not a place. It is the people inside the walls that build up the concept of being home. It is feeling welcomed, with them opening up their doors for you. It is feeling gratuitous, and hoping that they can stay for a little while longer. It is being yourself, with nothing to hide from their eyes for they are the ones who truly know you. It is being at peace, and wishing that the memories they give us be a blessing for eternity.

I have always known what I've been missing, but I have never really thought how much my whole body aches from missing. No amount of being abroad or travels can beat being surrounded by the people I truly care and cherish.

Honestly I've been so at peace with myself in the past week (minus the jet lag) and I've never felt more grateful to be alive to experience this feeling of coming home after a long while. In this holy month, I pray for the best for these people, for they have been giving me some of the best times of my life. Ameen.

Sunday, 11 June 2017

I took some time off Instagram because I became too insecure with the content I post. It wasn't the first time I've done so but it's gotten to a whole new level of toxicity that I've never experienced before. It was all overwhelming and what crushed me was that I couldn’t do too much about it. At first I thought it was because of the need to post every photo I have on my phone but it turned out to be a whole deeper thing than that. I became too absorbed with the details that even the smallest thing ticked me off and could ruin my mood for a whole week.

Battling with anxiety all my life, I care about two things and two things only: (1) the crushing psychological weight of being alive and (2) every person on earth and their opinion of me. It had hindered me from doing so much because I stopped myself from doing what I really want to do or from trying out new things just because I’m afraid of what other people have to say about it. I would make up crazy, sometimes unrealistic scenarios inside my head and would end up not pursuing the thing. The smallest, most minute and irrelevant thing to you may be a whole big deal to me that takes up 90% of my working brain cells at a given time because I couldn’t stop myself from thinking about it. Even now, I feel compelled to explain everything I do to other people just so they don’t get the wrong idea and talk bad about me.

I strive so hard to be that perfect person who never makes mistakes but what I fail to realise now and again is that in the end I’m human too, and it’s okay to make mistakes and people will or will not judge you for those mistakes but the most important thing is; I am not defined by my mistakes. I let too much negativity inside my head and I knew I had to take time off from the sole reason I feel that way in order to keep my shit together.

Good thing now that I don’t feel the need to catch up with what people post online and honestly it’s been so blissful. I untangled myself from that toxic chain and I think it’s important for us to start realising how soaked up we are with social media nowadays and always remember to take care of ourselves to make sure we function well, physically and mentally. People tend to neglect their mental health because it’s still pretty much taboo to openly discuss about them coupled with the stigma surrounding people suffering from mental health problems. Also, sometimes it’s not that we don’t want to talk about them but it’s more of not knowing how to open up or where to start. I found the best and most therapeutic thing to do is to write about my feelings hence the existence of my blog. It’s done wonders to my mental state and kept me sane well enough so I could go through my days feeling refreshed and unbothered. Okay, it’s gotten too long but let’s start talking about mental health and start taking care of ourselves and not let all those negativity bottled up inside of you for too long 'cause it ain’t good for you, boo.
Black Moustache