This blog is where I escape from reality & is the result of the listening part of me. Oh btw, I dont talk much in real life.

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Monday, 15 May 2017

Social interactions exhaust me. I would choose snuggling on the couch with some snacks and a good movie over meeting people any day. Ok to be fair, I'm not against human interactions like 100% being alone 24/7 no not that kind. It's the interactions that require you to talk to people you're not really comfortable talking to. The ones with at least one awkward 5 seconds silence while you reach for topics in the back of your mind while you look into the distance because you aren't comfortable looking them in the eye. Also the ones where you're surrounded by so many people yet you still feel like nobody wants to talk to you aka the worst kind.

Before going on any large gatherings, I would always make sure to go with a friend, or at least with someone I can tail around so I would not feel too out of place. I'd get super anxious if I'm left alone with many people around me and usually I'll end up looking for the toilet because apparently that's the only place I won't suffocate as much. It's not often that I enjoy being around too many people. Some other times I do, and when I do, you would notice. Or else I'd be the wallflower. At least I have my phone with me.

Being an introvert means I'd need to recharge myself after forcibly draining myself of the energy to socialise. Usually I wouldn't have any unnecessary interactions afterwards and would just head to bed. I'd need peace and some time to myself to get rid of the fatigue and be ready to face the next day. I value my space and alone time and I'm not one to waste my time being around people I'm not comfortable with.

This is the ultimate reason why I fail in my past relationships. They all started more or less the same, though. I love the attention I get in the early stages of the relationship. We would talk constantly and everything seems to be wonderful. We'd talk about our future plans, talk about our past lives. Somehow we never stop wanting to be in each other's presence.

This would go great until a point where I find all the attention I get (or need to give) becomes overwhelming. The constant texts start to get annoying. The yearn for nightly FaceTimes becomes a burden. The selfies become a task rather than in-the-moment kind of thing.

I don't think it's something that I can control. I think I just need some time to myself before being able to get into the relationship mode again. But then by the time I'm recharged and ready to ~shower my love~, the other person would have already given up.

Now and then I wouldn't reply to their texts for days and then I would appear out of nowhere as if nothing's changed. This comes across as confusing to them but then I don't think the relationship would fail just because of that. To be frank, the reason I never talk about my situation, how I need time to myself, the fact that I find all the attention overwhelming and I occasionally need some alone time is because I'm afraid they would get the wrong idea. I want to make the relationship work but if I can't function properly then what's the point of trying? Normally by the time I explain this to them it would already be too late.

It's probably a fear of commitment too but let's not delve into that for now.

Okay enough with that. Truth is I saw a really good movie the other day and it made me miss having a girlfriend. That was when I thought about all of this and I realise I'm not ready for a relationship yet cause I clearly have issues I need to deal with. I don't know when I will ever be ready.

Saturday, 29 April 2017

Ya about the stuff I was telling you guys yesterday? It doesn't just stop there. There are more episodes of me not feeling like I'm quite here after I'm back from my travels, but I'm not going to be too detailed because heck, I don't even know what I'm going through. I don't have the words to describe how I'm feeling or why I'm feeling the way I'm feeling now. Everything just seems to be very.... distant.

I feel like there's a difference between being just sad or stressed, and the way I'm feeling now. When I'm feeling the former, I don't find it troubling to talk about it with my friends. I know exactly how I feel and frankly I can go on and on talking about it. But now it's like I'm having all these intertwining thoughts, complicated ones, that I have no idea what they are. All I know is I'm feeling quite messed up and I don't know how to talk about it. It is feeling so low, underneath layers and layers of God-knows-what that makes you not want to engage with anything at all.

It's so hard having to maintain a strong facade on a daily basis when all you really want to do is to curl up under the sheets and not do anything. I don't feel like crying or what but I really don't want to get out of bed. I envy people who manage to get all their work done and who seem to have their lives all figured out. God knows what they're going through but at least they're caught up with their work.

Sometimes I feel like I know myself but I always have second thoughts when something like this happens. I didn't know I was capable of feeling so many emotions (?) at once. It doesn't help that I have a deadline next week and finals in less than a month. Hopefully I'll feel better by then.

p.s.: this post and the previous one are kind of personal so I'd appreciate it if they stay within the imaginary walls of this blog and not be brought up in real life no matter how badly you want to know how I'm doing etc this blog is my safe space and I'm trusting you guys not to take that away from me thanks
Black Moustache