This blog is where I escape from reality & is the result of the listening part of me. Oh btw, I dont talk much in real life.

History

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Tuesday, 30 October 2018

Hello.

I know I haven't been posting anything for a while. The last few months have been craaaazy. I possibly experienced both my highest and lowest. I have a lot to share on this blog but I never got around to actually sit down and write. Also I feel like I have a few "planned" posts and maybe that's why I never really write anything these days - cause I feel like I *have* to share about certain stuff and they don't feel genuine enough? They feel forced, in a way. So right now I'm here simply writing for the sake of getting this off my chest.

Sometimes I can't help feeling like some people take advantage of my emotional availability. I guess it mostly comes from a part of me that can't really say no to people, or rather I'd find ways to say yes to favours even when I'm swamped with my own responsibilities. I can't feel like I've disappointed people, especially when they come to me asking for help or simply want to talk about certain things. I'm usually alright with lending a hand or an ear to listen, but these days I'm so drained from my own shit that sometimes I find it hard to find people to reciprocate the same energy I give out.

It's like when I'm literally crying out for help and I know they hear me but they probably think "oh he's always crying out for help, maybe someone will come - not me, I don't have the time to entertain him". I hate feeling like I have to beg for attention especially when I have been trying so hard to be nothing but explicit that I need someone to listen. I already hate the idea of being a burden to people, but what puzzles me is that people sometimes don't mind coming to me but when it's my turn seeking out for help, literally nobody comes to my saving.

I don't know if I'm making sense. I promised myself that this is the year I'll finally say no to free emotional support, but I guess I failed. It's gotta feel 2-way, you know? It's very much draining when it's not reciprocated and at one point you just want to give up with people. For once, I wish people would initiate first, instead of me crying out for help which always ends up with a no-show.

I hate opening up to people, knowing that they know what's up with me, but also feeling like they're done with me. Like get over it already Qad it's been a while now it's getting old.

I want attention.

There. I've said it.

Monday, 7 May 2018

We all get lost sometimes.

These last few months have not been great for me. Lately I feel like my life has been moving too fast that sometimes I find myself not knowing where I fit in. And when I thought I have it all figured out, there it goes changing and I'm basically back to square one, having to do it all over again. All my life I've been trying too hard to do things right. To be the perfect son, the perfect student, the perfect friend, the perfect colleague, the perfect Muslim, the perfect lover. I have little room for error for myself and every time I find myself messing up I beat myself up for it. I don't think I've ever truly forgiven myself for all my past mistakes. At least the monumental ones. Make peace with your mistakes, and they'll turn gold. Yet mine remain as stones that often keep coming back to hit me.

Also lately I find it difficult to believe I have a strong support system. I feel like every time I open up to people they'll end up leaving me, indifferent to the fact that it was the time I need them most. I've been feeling so shitty when they do so because I feel like nobody understands me, and what hurts more is they made me feel shitty for wanting them to understand me.

Now there's only a handful of people who know what's really going on with me and when you don't have that many people to turn to, you tend to depend on the same people and can't help but feel like you're burdening them. Also because in the past I've had people telling me I'm too demanding and that I expect too much from them but sometimes I really can't help it. I guess when things get real, that's when you know the people who will be there.

I've lost a lot of people in this journey. The people who I thought would be there, to listen, to understand. Not for sympathy. I don't need your sympathy. I just want you to shut up and listen to whatever I have to say without any unsolicited opinions. And please don't make it about you. When I talk about myself it's about me and me only. We can talk about you after I'm done but for now, just please focus on me. Sounds selfish but I need that.

It's exhausting. It's even more exhausting doing it alone. And that's how I've been feeling. That I'm all alone.
Black Moustache