This blog is where I escape from reality & is the result of the listening part of me. Oh btw, I dont talk much in real life.


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Sunday, 12 November 2017

So.... reputation came out two days ago.






I have waited forever for this day, and I have to say; it was worth the wait. It's a genius lyrical masterpiece of how your reputation affects every aspect of your life, and how it's entirely up to you to let that get in your way or just to go through your life being oblivious to what others have to say about it. There's a certain power in being able to do so, and also the fact that by completely detaching yourself to those perceptions of you, leaves you vulnerable to some other parts of your life that you simply have no authority over. For example, potential love interests who got scared of you just because of a random remark they heard about you from a person whom you've never talked to before. Like any other things in your life, there's the good and bad to it.

This record is truly a work of art in the sense that every song in it is part of a bigger story, as opposed to Taylor's usual work in which each song tells a different story about a different chapter of her life. I think it's a mature way of telling her side of the story about the past 2 years of her life, with all the hate and drama she's gone through. She chose not to let the bad get to her so much but instead focused on herself and her work and came out with this dynamic album made up of 15 cohesive songs.

I also like the fact that the album started off with bold songs, asserting her dominance and how she's reclaiming her damaged reputation, then slowly moving into another territory of her life - which is how her reputation affects her love life, and how the album ends on a lighter and happier note, indicating where she currently is in her life. I love that about the album. I feel like she attempted a whole different way of composing the songs and somehow it worked.

I'm here for all the drama, the snarky comments about the haters, the gushy heartwarming lyrics that got me wishing I had a significant other to go home to.

I've grown up with Taylor Swift and her music, and I feel like that's the reason I got so attached to her. I started listening to her since the Fearless era circa 2008/2009 when I first saw the music video for Love Story and immediately fell in love with her. The first album I've ever bought was Speak Now and it was that time in my life when I started developing crushes at school and when I was totally happy and unaware of the concept of heartbreaks. Then Red, a whole album about messy breakups and fiery love, came out and I was at that exact point in my life when I first experienced heartbreak. When I was recovering from a breakup and 1989 came out, it felt like complete freedom. And now with reputation, I'm at a quite adult and mature (?) stage, and can absolutely relate to it.

Also, it just occurred to me that for the past 2 days, I haven't had a single moment to think about A (other than while writing this), which I reckon is a good thing? Idk.

All I know is, reputation gave me hope that someone better would come along and I am deserving of a love so real and profound that this heartbreak wouldn't even matter in a few months. I'm glad I stayed alive for this.

Saturday, 4 November 2017

The bitter truth is that not everyone will be there for you when you're feeling low. It's like, you always find yourself trying so hard to be there for a friend when you know they're in need but then when the tables turn you struggle to find a single person who would actually ask "Are you okay, Qadri?".

Honestly I guess it isn't necessarily a bad thing, since you only ever need the right person to pour your most innate thoughts to. At that somewhat brief moment, you won't even remember the people who had let you down. But then again I have this irrational worry that I might burden the other party with my problems. I think it's because I'm not entirely sure if they actually want to listen to me going on and on about my life and I'm afraid that they will know too much too soon about me that at one point they just decide I'm not worth their attention anymore.

You also need to be extra aware of the individual whom you share your personal problems to. There's only ever a handful who truly care about your wellbeing, while some other people are curious and don't necessarily know what to do with the information you pass on to them. And the rest are just there when it's convenient for them. These people are the worst, honestly, because they leave the second things get inconvenient, or when they need to put in extra effort which they obviously aren't willing to do. May we all end up telling the right person the right things.

The most valuable lesson I learned this year that took me so long to acknowledge is that you can never love a person into loving you back. Love isn't something you can impose on a person, just because you love them and are willing to do whatever it takes to make it work. It comes progressively, and sometimes you don't even realise that you're in love until one day something happens and you're like "damn I'm in love". That moment of realisation is usually the first step that will lead you either down the happy lane or the sad lane, depending on your luck.

Do you want to know what a breakup feels like? Imagine over time you've been gradually knitting yourself into a person, carefully threading your souls together, making sure you share a genuine and profound bond, then one day the piece of fabric that you've been working so hard on snaps in the middle so suddenly. All the time and hard effort that you've invested, gone. Just like that.

I guess the thing I hate most about breaking up with a person - besides obviously losing the person who's become such an integral part of your daily life - is what comes afterwards. I call it the What Could Have Been. Inevitably, you see them moving on with their life, finding someone new to love and in the back of your mind there's this fear that this budding love could be the one for them since everything they learnt from being with you, could be applied to this new relationship and they end up having a better love life than you. And perhaps you feel they kind of owed it to you for this kind of relationship - the what could have been - given that both of you didn't make the mistakes you both did and eventually tried to make things work.

Then you're going to find someone new and eventually start to open up to them and start knitting yourselves again. Funny how it seems like it's the same cycle but it never really is the same. That's because you learn and grow from your past relationships to make this one worth the heartbreak you felt before. You're more careful in taking your steps now, and you begin to see things in a much more mature perspective.

But that's still a long way to go for me. It took me a whole month to fully accept the fact that A doesn't want to be with me and another month to start moving on with my life without A. We still talk, though. It's just now I'm more careful with my words and I don't put much hope anymore. We're just friends, whether I like it or not and there's nothing I can do to change how A feels about me.

Man, unrequited love really leaves this detrimental psychological damage on you. It gets you constantly contemplating your self-worth, makes you constantly doubt whether you're good enough, and leaves you oblivious and numb to future love prospects because you're scared to open up anymore. You start building walls around your heart to safeguard and spare you from more heartbreak in the future.

But it's alright. I still have faith that someone will come along and love me like I'm brand new. It's just a matter of time.

p.s.: I know this post is a bit of a mess, that's cause I am in a mess currently and I'm just typing my thoughts as they come

p.p.s.: I've been putting Call It What You Want on repeat and now I just want someone to love me as much as Taylor loves Joe, ya feel me? excuse my sappy ass
Black Moustache