This blog is where I escape from reality & is the result of the listening part of me. Oh btw, I dont talk much in real life.

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Monday, 24 December 2012

So like I wrote this on my way to Baling to get my results

I had to write this in my notepad because it was too emotional. I mean I was emotional. I'm on my way to school to get my results and I was crying. I cried. But the thing is I did not cry because of scared of the results but the thought of knowing that one day I will lose my dad is really hurting. I can't help it. I was reading Dear Me and it was a letter from Suze Orman, the world famous host and an expert in personal finance. I saw her on Oprah once but that was not the thing. The thing is, in her letter to her 16 year old self, at the very last part, she wrote something like "...the sad thing is your dad will not live long enough to see what happens to his little girl..." and I burst into tears. And as I was crying for like 5 or 10 minutes or so, I saw my dad pulled out a cigarette and that was the most hurting part. The fact that my dad smokes and by smoking he's shortening his life - or as I say burning - hurts a lot. I can't bear to lose my dad at a very young age. He had taught me so much that I needed to know about life and I can't imagine how my life would be like without him. I love him so dearly but I'm just too shy to say it to his face. I don't know if I was thinking too much or what but I'm scared of losing him. I can't afford to lose him, tho I know I will lose him one day. At least I want him to be able to see me succeed in life or the most, at least I want him to be able to see my children - his grandchildren - grow up and be a person. I want him to at least spend time with my family when I do have one. I really hope he'll not leave me too soon. I love you, dad and I hope you'd read this and I hope you'd understand.

I really do hope you guys would understand. I cried the fuck out of me and my dad thought I cried because of the pressure of trying to get straight A's but it's not really. And after I got my results I hugged my dad tightly and I think that was the first time I did that. I cried on his shoulder and he said "I understand. It's not easy being number 1 and maintaining your results. You've made us proud. Now go and enjoy yourself." And yeah I cried again haha. Idk but I think he had read this but ahh Idc. I seriously don't want to lose him.
Black Moustache