This blog is where I escape from reality & is the result of the listening part of me. Oh btw, I dont talk much in real life.

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Monday, 26 January 2015

I disappear & you call me selfish

you remain my favorite thing


Dear X,

Hi, it's been a week since we last talked right? Did you miss me? I sure as hell miss you a lot. I know things have been going rough these couple of weeks but I still cant help myself to get over it. It's not that I'm trying to forget you or I'm leaving you or anything, I'm just keeping myself distant so you'd have one less problem to worry about. After all, I'm just another worthless friend right? I bet you're happy now with your other friends and.....you know who. Now that you know how it felt to be loved, how is it? Is it nice? I'm sorry I was never capable to make you feel loved as you would probably feel now. I'm sorry I was never good enough to make you feel less lonely, in fact, I caused you more pain than ever right? As you said, it was the most challenging & confusing part of your life yet, am I right? Just so you know, I gave up so many things just for you, but sadly, it was never sufficient enough.

I know I may be the most bland person ever that I occasionally would bore you with my stories in our late night conversations. You could have just told me if you didnt want to listen to my stories, I would understand & wont ever bother you again. Sad how I really look forward to tell you how my day went & all the little stories I would save for you at the end of the day, but all this while, you were actually bored with me. I understand now the fact that I never made you happy, not even once, I guess? It's okay, I'm used to feel this way, especially when the times are bad.

You know what's the worst part of it? It was when you ignored me. It's quite ridiculous for me to rant about it now because I finally understand now who I am to you & where I stand, but it's painful when you kept coming back for me when I was trying so hard to constantly remind myself that you already have your everything now. Why would you still need me anyway? You can have your late night talks with your other half & dont need to come looking for me anymore. You dont need to text me everyday asking how am I doing if you have other priorities to cater to. It doesnt matter if it gets awkward between us or if you dont know what my okay is anymore or if you dont text me everyday. It doesnt matter anymore.

Back to the ignoring part. Do you know how agonizing it felt when I would patiently wait for your reply in the middle of night & it turned out that you were having your casual conversation with another person & I'd end up going to sleep, feeling depressed. Feeling numb is always better than feeling heartbroken, just to hide everything & pretend that it's okay. I would reread our conversations every now & then, & realize how much things have changed since then. I know you promised to always make time for me but I dont think you would, or at least it seems like it.

Above all, I miss you.
Black Moustache