This blog is where I escape from reality & is the result of the listening part of me. Oh btw, I dont talk much in real life.

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Monday, 5 January 2015

The only thing that mattered to me right now is our short forever


Dear future Qadri,

Hi there, it's me, I mean it's you, from the past. I bet you're looking fine & dandy now in your designer suit & tie huh? Well I'm doing alright here, just a bit uncertain of what's in store for me. Oh yeah you should know that it's 2015 currently, well not currently but yeah I know it's ridiculous reading a letter from yourself of the past but I sure as hell hope you're living the life we've been dreaming of. (Let's assume you & I are 2 different bodies, it'd be understandable that way & you can comprehend better)

I bet you've forgotten me. How did you encounter this letter anyway? Are you married now with kids running around in the house? Oh I bet you're doing fine. It's 5 days into 2015 & I have to tell you that I've been having some rough weeks lately. I bet you've forgotten what it was like being me. How I'd wake up in the middle of the night, reaching for the phone & would start stalking that particular person (we'll name that person as X) in hoping X'd be fine but then I see X is happy living life without me & I would start wondering why did I hold on so tight? How I'm constantly torn between "try harder" and "let it go". How I've always wondered to myself did I really matter to X or was I just another option which X could turn to when X had nobody around. How I would listen to certain songs over & over again just because I miss X so much. Remember?

It sucks being me currently, I have to admit that. I'd always wonder what was I worth of. A part of me wants to move on so bad, but another part of me is still hanging on to that vague little hope that X is still in love with me. I think I'm too caught up with the idea that both of us are still so madly in love. I crave for X every single day, but I had to restrain myself from chasing after X. Do you still remember what it was like sacrificing your own happiness for someone else who didnt even mean anything to you just because you didnt want to be a hindrance & you thought that you would be happy seeing them happy & you ended up breaking & had to pick up the pieces all by yourself? No? Yeah I figured out all of this wont matter to me anymore in a few months time, but right now, this is all I could think of.

It's really devastating when X makes me feel so special but at the same time I know I'm not the only one. You still remember how I pushed X away because I thought time would heal everything but it only made it worse? X kept coming back for me, no matter how hard I tried to repel. But at the same time, I know I dont deserve X as a whole because there wasnt anything whole about me anymore. I only get some parts of X & that sucks. How the conversations with X are getting shorter & lack of anything to talk about because I know at the same time X is making the conversation longer with someone else, & it really disturbs myself so I ended up going to sleep feeling stupid for thinking X would still make time for me anymore now that X had someone else. Remember how you would get extremely jealous, future Qadri?

If you still remember all these, tell me how to move on. I'm getting tired of hanging on for too long & pretending that I'm okay & content with whatever I'm doing with my life currently. Please tell me how did you forget all this, I'd really appreciate if you did. I'm tired of being someone who I dont even recognize. It's stupid right when you dont even know who you are & where you stand currently. I thought I'd just shut out X & everyone else but it's hard to simply shut everyone out. I dont know what should I do, but I really hope I'll forget all this pretty soon.

Thank you future Qadri for listening to my rants. (It's technically yours too) Send my best regards to our wife & kids, hope to hear from you again soon. :)

Sincerely,
Qadri from the past
Black Moustache