This blog is where I escape from reality & is the result of the listening part of me. Oh btw, I dont talk much in real life.

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Sunday, 29 March 2015

Why be sad over one thing when you can be happy about many other things?

love life, & it will love you back

Remember how I said I don't think I'll be able to forget about all this & move on? Gone were those days. I used to be this desperate & clingy person that I eventually will annoy my loved one, up to the point where they'll get tired of my ever-changing mood & my constant crave of affection & attention, almost all the time. Some days I'll just get cranky & would not want to talk to anybody at all & there would also be days when I'll be ecstatic & just talk & talk & pour my heart out to you & would tell you about my happy days.

I knew this day would come, right from the get go. The moment when you said "...at this point" I knew we'd eventually end, that we'd have our very last goodbye & that we'd have our very last form of communication, that we'd have our very last kiss.

But the thing I wasn't prepared for is the emptiness. I'm too used to this void that I've become numb to pretty much everything. I've become oblivious to the attention I've always received from people who voluntarily would reassure me that everything's going to be okay. I succumbed myself into this ugly state of indifference that I'll subconsciously push away the people who would actually put effort to stay in my life. It's as if I'm consciously being unconscious, just because I only focused on getting your attention, in which I failed tremendously.

I know I'll never ever be the apple of your eye, or the stars up in your sky, or your first thought in the morning after you wake up, or the person you'll think of every time you see the moon. I just know. After all, the reality sucks. I can never own you only for myself. Never. It's ridiculous.

I bet you're hating me now, more than ever. For always blaming you & not myself. For always expecting too much out of you. For not realising how much I've hurt you before. For putting you on top of my list when clearly I wasn't the first on yours. For leaving you & not explaining anything. For being such a douche. For being overly attached, mentally & physically to you. For constantly annoying the hell out of you. For lying to you the first time we knew each other just because I wanted to talk to you. For always forcing you to stay awake in the middle of the night just because I want to talk to you & bore you with my bland stories. For giving you silly riddles at 3AM & expecting you to answer them when all you've always wanted to do was sleep. For urging you to keep your phone on when you sleep because I want to hear you breathe from the other side of the phone. For making you feel stupid to think I'd still need you. And ultimately, for not being able to make you feel loved.

For everything, I'm sorry. For everything too, thank you. I will never be able to repay anything. I'm sorry, truly. I wish you well in everything that you do. I will always always always always love you.
Black Moustache