This blog is where I escape from reality & is the result of the listening part of me. Oh btw, I dont talk much in real life.

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Saturday, 4 April 2015

Quiet but loud, black but colourful

alone but not lonely

After about a week of Personal Development classes, I finally realised they're not pointless at all. I actually had the time to do a thorough self-reflection, in which I didn't have the privilege of doing so after so long. Oh well, I'm sure most of us had been through at least once in our lives, those kind of camps which we had to think back of what we've been doing with our life so far & indirectly forced to cry our eyes out to emotional instrumental songs with a speaker talking about how much we should be grateful of our life, yada yada yada. Typical leadership & downright motivational camps.

What I found out about myself was a bit contradicting from my own eyes & from the perspective of the people around me. Lately, I've lost so much respect for my own self & had always thought of myself as someone who had zero sense of value. I guess being constantly depressed had really changed how I viewed myself as a functional person in society. I saw myself as a person who's dysfunctional simply because I served no value to the only person who I value so much. Too much, I guess, up to the point where I would occasionally question myself; why do I even exist if the person who I love doesn't even care or love me as much as I do for them?

However, things have changed a lot since the past week. I had the honour of attending an event which ultimately changed the whole perspective of who I am, to myself & to the people around me. I eventually realised what I've been missing out all this while; my own happiness. You see, my ultimate flaw is that I never prioritise my own happiness. I would rather go through any hassle just to see the smile on other people's faces, even if it meant that I need to do the impossible, I would. (with rationale reasons, of course)

But then again, I would always have this internal debate whether should I stay or just leave. I didn't want to leave, but I guess if staying meant more sorrows for me, then why should I stay? If I'm always treated like trash, why stay? If I meant nothing to them, why stay? If my presence is not even appreciated, again, why stay? But the thought of being someone special to you is so appealing, it's almost ridiculous for others to understand.

I used to be this clingy & desperate person that I, myself, am disgusted by the way I acted previously. No wonder people leave, nobody would stand being in a relationship with me. I won't even take the risk of dating myself, if I had to. But I guess I had little choice. I have to love myself more, in order for my life to be beautiful. I'm slowly making my way to recovery. Just remember this, the only person who can make you truly happy, is your own goddamned self.
Black Moustache