This blog is where I escape from reality & is the result of the listening part of me. Oh btw, I dont talk much in real life.


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Friday, 29 May 2015

Solace within solitude

It's ridiculous to think that at the point where you've recognised someone as your "everything", nothing else even matters anymore. The only thing that will ever matter, is how to keep your everything all to yourself & utilise every single moment you spend with them, thinking you have perfect control over time & that fate won't ever forbid anything. You don't even have the authority of how you act & how other people perceive you, because as long as your everything is fine with it, you'll be fine too. You devote your time, effort & assets to them, thinking they'd do the same too. You're physically & mentally controlled by your everything that when things turn out wrong, you'll start doubting your self-worth. You're going down a treacherous slope by yourself, thinking that your everything is the only possession that you'll need to drag along with you. You drown yourself for people who won't even get into the water with you. You're going to be dumped at a deserted island, & the only thing you'll bring along is your everything. (In this case, your everything is reluctant to follow)

It's hazardous to do that because you will only think of your everything, & everything else literally means nothing to you anymore. When things don't work out, you'll start thinking of innovative ways to attract your everything back to you when in fact, everything you're doing is actually repelling them, further & further away. You start putting on a happy mask on your face which is freely available down in your storage & pretending that everything's okay & things will eventually work out - when they're actually falling apart. People will think that you're happy with no worries or anything haywire going on in that tiny mind of yours. You don't know whether you should keep it to yourself or to burst them out to a mate. In the end, you just decide to keep them to yourself because you know you're not capable of reaching out to people & if you ever did, you think they won't understand.

It's perilous to bottle things up in your head, as you have your limits. You let them out to yourself by pouring out hatred to yourself, saying mean things inside your head, demotivating your own self, because you know you're damned as it is. You go through prolonged depression & unnecessary sleepless nights, thinking where did it go wrong. You had days when you just feel like laying down in your bed, not having to acknowledge any forms of communication with people. Basically, you just shut everything out & just be by yourself because you think that's the best thing to do at that particular moment, not having to encounter anymore frustrations & disappointments. No matter how much people around you flood you with delight, you still find it hard to feel content because you're now just nothing to your everything.

It's dangerous when you've succumbed yourself to those negativeness. You start trying to attract more positive vibes but someway, somehow, you fail. You eat & listen to music more while trying to find company within solitude. You start questioning if you'll ever feel blissful anymore. You made a club comprising of multiple versions of yourself just so you'll feel less alone. You think you're losing screws inside of your head, but you can't seem to acquire sanity anywhere. The word hope is somewhat vague to you, yet you still hang on to that little piece of faith.

It's delirious once you've found the solution to that ugly state of indifference - you have to love yourself. When you love yourself, you will finally appreciate yourself as a whole & not seeing yourself as little parts that don't even fit in together. You mend your own self, picking up tiny pieces of broken parts of your soul & putting them back together. You slowly find inner peace & dignity. You stand up for your own self because you know, nobody would have the time to do that on your behalf. You ask for people's opinions on you & start improving for the better. You still have days when your heart aches, but they're getting lesser & you start getting immune to it. The past does not define who you are now, as you came out stronger than you were. Tranquility exists everywhere when you start noticing little moments of life & start appreciating those little moments that actually make up a big part of your life. You build up character, bit by tiny bit. You feel at home even when you're alone. You do not set yourself on fire anymore to keep other people warm.

It's fascinating to think that life goes about in a wheel - this post itself goes from zero to hero in 5 minutes. I'm okay, I just feel the need to express myself out sometimes. I rarely do so in person as I'm not blessed with the ability to talk about it & reach out to people. When people actually ask me how am I feeling, I'll just be like "I'm okay, I don't know". Meh.
Black Moustache