This blog is where I escape from reality & is the result of the listening part of me. Oh btw, I dont talk much in real life.


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Wednesday, 3 June 2015

Love means falling, & I'm afraid of heights

roadtrips, campfires, star-gazing, a beach party, sunsets - i want them NOW

I am a sucker at displaying emotions. I fail at showing everyone around me how much I value them as a person, or how much I silently care for them. I'm not the type of person who would randomly Whatsapp my friends just to have small talks or whatnot. Heck, I'm not even active in the Whatsapp groups I'm in. I don't really prefer talking with a person through the phone without seeing them directly. That is mainly why I would rather go to a nice coffee place to chill with a good company to catch up. It's better that way, plus we can directly see their body language & facial expressions, & also avoid misinterpretations throughout the whole communication process.

The reason why I turned off my last seen & read receipts on Whatsapp & iMessage is because I want privacy. I do not want people to judge me based on those two minor attributes. I am not ignoring anyone, it's just that I don't have ample time to reply & engage in a reasonable chat. But sometimes if I am really really really really annoyed at a person, I'd choose not to reply to them at all - as a sign for them to stop bugging me with unworthy conversations. I feel the guilt, but who the hell cares anyway.

If you were an understanding friend, you would know by now how much I've become weary of living, instead of talking behind my back on how much I don't put effort on people. I have patches of problems here & there, with the big part of them contributed by my awful studies. I have to really work my ass off this time, & I need to make sacrifices. One of them is my phone. I have to restrain myself from checking my phone once every 15 minutes just so that I can get my head back in the game. It's not that easy, but that's what I'm determined to do. I have to fully put my effort on studies & balancing life is not as easy as balancing accounts.

It's not about how I always complain that people come & leave while I sit there doing nothing. However, I have priorities to cater to. If you were a friend, you would understand & not simply assume anything. If you were a friend, you would encourage me to do better & not stab me from the back. I know I may not be a good friend or companion, but at least respect me as a human being. I have feelings & matters to be prioritised, instead of just catering to your immature self.

I'm deeply sorry if I've ever made you felt ignored. I felt the same way too before & I know it's not nice for one to do that to another. But the thing is, life is hard & I get distracted so easily. I'm emotionally overwhelmed & I kinda have to lay low for a while, prioritising things that really matter to me at this point in my life. I'm not ignoring you because I want to, but because life is so distracting so sometimes I need to stop talking to people & focus my energy on one thing for the time being. I desperately need to get my studies back together. I hope you understand how much I badly want to set my feet overseas.

ps; it's not easy for me to even score a fucking B for my papers while I need to maintain AAA for the rest of my semester
Black Moustache