This blog is where I escape from reality & is the result of the listening part of me. Oh btw, I dont talk much in real life.

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Thursday, 18 June 2015

Until the stars go out, until the tides no longer turn

how long will i love you?

You broke my heart, the place you've always been in. Along with it, you broke all my hopes & desires, my fears & doubts. This heart is now mosaic - broken pieces bound together by a bit of hope.

The first stage of moving on is always the hardest. When you finally decide you can't love someone anymore, & that mere decision requires you to instantly erase each memory of them. But it's not simple as you would have days when the memories would come back to you in flashes. You would feel as if you're looking into a kaleidoscope of memories. Each memory comes back, shattering you into pieces. In this stage, you'll feel so misplaced, drifting away from the world into your nonexistent state of grace. I wish some service like in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind exists.

The next stage is when you refrain yourself from establishing any forms of communication with them. You shut off almost everyone & everything around you in the name of finding peace of mind. The sad part is, you conceal yourself from the entire world as well & not just the person you're trying to forget. You absentmindedly disregard the ones who would come up to you & ask how you're doing. They, too, drift away from you. You end up being all alone, more than ever. Sad, isn't it? But at the same time, you also develop trust issues & you find it so hard to open up to people. It's dangerous because the feelings left unspoken are often the ones that will internally destroy you.

And when you think you've finally made it to the "moved on" phase, you encounter another turning point. The devil in your head keeps you coming back for that person, although not everyday, but they still come back once in a while. At this point, where you think you're secure, is where you start trying to catch up with the person after months of silence. You start looking through their page, not finding anything about you anymore. Something ticks in you, but you decide to brush that feeling off, contemplating that they don't care as much as they used to anymore. Sometimes you think they're referring to you, but you know they already have a life to refer to.

It has been a whole year. I still can't get over how safe & wanted I felt.

The reason why I find it so hard to move on & forget is because it was real. I know it was, at least. Another reason is because I know it was mutual, not like the previous ones where at one point they were faking it. I just hope it still is, & forever will be.
Black Moustache