This blog is where I escape from reality & is the result of the listening part of me. Oh btw, I dont talk much in real life.

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Monday, 15 June 2015

You can hear it in the silence, you can feel it on the way home

you're someone else's angel

I've come to a point in my life where I'm constantly doubting every single situation I'm going through. I would occasionally question myself "is this real?" or "is this something I should hang on to?" etc. I hesitate every action I have done/am about to do. I feel like I'm not utilising every single bit of my time alive. I'm consistently worried that I'm not living my life to the fullest. I feel like I have an abundant of time wasted on things I shouldn't be doing much eg sleep/phone. I need to go out. I desperately need to do something. I want to accomplish greater things while I'm on my holidays instead of just lying around & sleeping all day long.

However, constraints are inevitable. I do not own the fair amount of money to do those things I've always wanted to do. Transport is a hassle for me as I haven't got my license yet & I need to use the public transport instead. The thought of public transport itself is a hindrance as I now am not a fan of our displeasing public transport service. I only like public transports for the fact that I can observe people & their eccentricity. It's downright disturbing & captivating at the same time.

Someone save me from this awful state of boredom please. I desperately need to do something besides studying because it's the motherfucking holidays I won't stress myself out from studying nope. I want to travel, but I don't have the money. I want to watch movies, but I don't have any companion. I want to go to nice places to eat, but nice places are often so far away from home.

Sometimes I think I just want someone who I can actively engage with throughout this bland break. Someone who's up to snuggling under the covers while watching good movies. Someone who can crack up crazy ideas for us to do when we're almost dying of boredom. Someone who can twist a mundane board game into something entertaining. Someone who will watch me dance & sing out loud to my favourite songs. Someone who can talk about almost any topics when I bring them up. I don't know, maybe I'm just lonely.

Back to the main topic, I am not sure what to feel or what to do now. You fucking gave me mixed signals & how am I supposed to interpret your signals if you won't even bother explaining how you're feeling despite me asking tons of questions to you. I need explanations, for God's sake. I need to lift this fucking weight I've been bearing for months. At least answer this - do you still want me in your life? If you don't, I'll willingly walk away. If you still need me, we'll figure out a way to get through it - together.

ps; it may sound stupid but i still see you every time i close my eyes
Black Moustache