This blog is where I escape from reality & is the result of the listening part of me. Oh btw, I dont talk much in real life.


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Thursday, 9 July 2015

Ripped at every edge but I'm a masterpiece

I am disgusted by how much I cling myself to people, especially the ones who I see or talk to on a day to day basis. The thing is, I get comfortable too easily around people. I seldom consider myself as an outgoing or talkative person, which explains why it's quite hard for me to make friends with people in the first place. I am very picky when it comes to friends & people I trust. However, as soon as I've gotten used to somebody, the different side of me will take over.

I may be the most loud and irritating person you've ever met, but there will also be days when I stay quiet that you'll think I'm not in the mood to talk to you. I will sing my heart out & dance madly around you whenever my jam is on, regardless whether or not you'll join me & my downright awkward stupidity. I can be a mushy panda, using your arm or body as a tree trunk for me to idly lean on. I might talk about Taylor Swift a little too much & tell you random facts about her or her life, ignoring the fact that you may or may not despise her. I will poke you & tickle you until you wish I wasn't around you that often. I will make you feel uncomfortable sometimes, saying my most honest thoughts out loud that you'll find me a bit weird to be around with. I may question you with the most serious questions, expecting you to engage with the conversation as hard as I try to phrase them in my head.

Sometimes I am aware that I might have crossed the line. I may annoy you too frequently up to the point where you'll stop entertaining my bullshits. At that point, I know I should stop but sometimes I can't. I'm comfortable being around you, & being the clingy person I am, that's what I'll naturally do. Some people don't like me being that way. I know, I'm conscious of that.

Whenever I think I've went a bit overboard, I'll merely decide to stop talking to you, just to tone down a bit. The problem is when I'd go silent for too long, & we'll eventually just stop talking. It kind of sad, but I guess the blame is mostly on me; for being too annoying & for abruptly going silent without telling people why. I've been going through the same phase over & over again that it has become redundantly insignificant.

I need to make myself less dependent on people & not cling myself to anyone too easily. I've started to communicate with myself, giving endless warnings whenever I feel like I'm getting attached to someone. I don't want to get attached to anybody for the time being, as I will get awfully jealous whenever someone else gets the attention that I want from them. I'm selfish when it comes to this. I just want your attention, & nothing else would matter to me.

Now, I've learned to be independent & I know when to stop being annoying without losing people anymore. I guess these kind of things are best learned through experience. I just want them to appreciate me as much as I appreciate them, & not waste all of my trust that I've put on them.

ps; july 9th, one of my favourite lines from one of my favourite songs
Black Moustache