This blog is where I escape from reality & is the result of the listening part of me. Oh btw, I dont talk much in real life.


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Tuesday, 22 September 2015

The truth is the stars are falling, ma

My parents have been away for a while now, & I miss them so bad. I know they're away for something great, but it feels different coming home to their absence. I'm used to being apart with them for months back when I was in MRSM, but I know they will always be at home, anxiously waiting for my return. Home is not the same without them. It feels weird going out of my room to get water at 2AM, without hearing my dad plucking his guitar with some random sports playing on the TV. Something clicked within me every time I listened from my room at night to look for my parents' distinct conversation in the living room, which was never there.

Being the eldest, it's rightfully my responsibility to take care of the household. Running around here and there doing errands, watering my dad's mini garden, locking up the house at night, making sure all of my siblings are settled or even turning off the TV after everybody's asleep, are the things I have to add on to my daily routine. I even have to cater to unusual needs that are suddenly brought up, like trying to fix the automated gate or figuring out how the WiFi router works whenever it breaks down. My parents have been away for not more than 2 weeks, but I'm already wishing they were back sooner.

I thought handling the household would be a walk in the park, but as I go through my days, it's not what I thought it would be. I'm really amazed at how my parents can do this everyday without any obvious failures. I don't really mind about the house work, but the emptiness is really getting on to me. I don't really feel like going away from home on weekdays for studies, as I can't get my mind off home. As someone who my parents put trust on, I feel reluctant to go away from home. I wish I could just study at home, for at least I can always watch over my siblings. I don't want my siblings to feel the void. As much as I miss my parents, I know my little siblings miss them more. They're too small to be apart for so long.

Every time my grandmother - who stays at home looking over my siblings - tells me that my sisters are crying because they miss my parents, a small part of me dies inside. I ache once when I saw my sisters using my parents' clothes as their covers when they sleep at night, indicating how much they miss my parents. I really want to break down there & then, but I struggled to keep myself together. If I couldn't be strong, how am I supposed to take care of the rest? How am I supposed to keep the family together?

At some points during weekdays when I'm not home, my siblings would send voice notes in the family WhatsApp group, & hearing little cracks in their voice is devastating. I'm just hoping that things will go well for another few weeks, as I also have to focus on getting my university application done & at the same time, study for AS exams which is approaching in less than a month. I hope I could pull this off. Oh Allah, give me strength to go through my days.

I have been losing sleep lately. Thoughts are going wild inside my head. So many mixed feelings. I miss my friends. I want to go away. I can't wait for another better time & place. I need strength & motivation now, more than ever.
Black Moustache