This blog is where I escape from reality & is the result of the listening part of me. Oh btw, I dont talk much in real life.

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Sunday, 4 October 2015

I'm afraid of the life that I have made

hold tight, it's gonna get hard to breathe

I'm gonna paint you a fragment of my life picture, since everybody's so keen on knowing what I've been through from my point of view. Let's talk about a bit of my life since the past year, shall we? As everyone may or may not know, I finished my SPM early December last year, & since then my whole life as I knew it, changed. For the better or for worse, you decide.

Before SPM even started which was around October - after SPMRSM to be exact - I was already on a personal quest of securing myself a scholarship to fund my studies. I had basically framed my whole life in my head, & if it were not to turn out as what I foresee, I would be very devastated. I applied for 2 scholarships, Yayasan Khazanah & Bank Negara Malaysia, since my counsellor told me so. I kinda regret not doing my research for scholarships that I can apply using SPMRSM results beforehand, because as I found out much later, I could also apply for Yayasan TNB or a few others which you can look for online. Both of the scholarship bodies which I applied to contacted me back, letting me know that I was eligible to go through their respective batteries of selection rounds. YK's selection period was much earlier than BNM's, which was right after we got our SPMRSM results. I went through the tedious round after round which was done in YK HQ in KLCC, & since my school was in Taiping, I had to travel overnight to get to the HQ the first thing in the morning.

Honestly, it was tiring & I almost gave up midway because of some issues I had with my school's management. Nonetheless, I am indeed blessed beyond words for having such supportive & determined parents. They were the sole reason I went through all 5 pressuring interview rounds & the long bus rides home & back to school. Since they were continuously on my back the entire time, pushing me when I already reached my limits, I really wanted this scholarship so bad. I wanted to at least lift some weights off their back, since they won't have to draw out a single cent for my tertiary education. I had numerous breakdowns along the way, but Alhamdulillah I managed to secure myself the scholarship. All praises to Allah The Almighty.

Oh yeah, before I forget, I didn't go for BNM's interview session because right before the day of the interview, I received the email from YK. So now that you know a bit about the scholarship part, I'm going to pour out the story of what happens after SPM results came out, which was around March. The day of the results, all the blood inside of me seemed to stop flowing. My face was dead pale, & I couldn't stop coughing & my tummy couldn't stop turning - indicators that I was nervous as heck. In fact, I was always like that when it comes to results day, be it UPSR or PMR. I didn't have the appetite to eat breakfast, & I didn't get enough sleep the night before.

The official results should have been released at 10 AM. I was still in the car, not wanting to check any good luck wishes on WhatsApp or iMessage. I WAS SHAKING ALL THE WAY! I did not want to check via text message either, as I wanted the raw piece of paper in my hands to "feel" the moment of getting the results, literally. Ameerul Haziq called me at 10:15 AM & I hesitated on answering his call, but I picked up the phone to good news. He was ecstatic as hell & I became more nervous than I already was. I was so happy for him & the fact that I was one of the first people to know his results - since he checked via text message - I was lost for words. Yep, he got his straight A's. I told my parents about this, & somehow along the way I spontaneously made a deal with my dad, who was smoking at the time, that if I got straight A's, I want him to smoke less. He upped the bet & said if I were to get straight A+. he would stop immediately. Deal, Abah. Mama was the witness. The deal was made, sort of.

I arrived to long queues of cars around 11 AM plus & I got off the car with my mum first because it was almost time for the grand announcement. I didn't get to catch up with my friends that much because the nerves were getting the best of me. I went straight to the toilet, gained some strength & headed for the hall. Everyone was so happy seeing each other with lots of stories in between, which was weird to me because I was so nervous & all I could think of was how can they be so happy at this point? I decided I couldn't talk that much so I went straight for the seats & waited for the announcement.

The principal came with a broad smile on his face, accompanied by several other smiling faces along with him. Milestone after milestone were announced & everyone was happy. However I couldn't sit still until I got my hands on the slip. It was finally time for us to get the results. All around me were tears of joy, tears of disappointment & I STILL CAN'T KEEP MY HANDS TO MYSELF. My mum was taking pictures of me ugh they were so ugly. I was so messy throughout that day, with sweat all over & you could see how nervous I was through my eyes. It was finally my turn, I signed a few declarations & I held my mum's hands too tight, waiting to burst into tears. The teacher blurted out CONGRATULATIONS QADRI HANAFI STRAIGHT A+ & I didn't hear anything else afterwards. I immediately turned to my mum who was right beside me the entire time. I cried & cried & whispered stuff into my mum's ears which I couldn't recall. I remember saying things like "this is for you" blah blah. I let go of my mum, & immediately phoned my dad to tell him this good news. He was asking "how was it" & I said I wanted to let him see for himself. I eventually found him in the hall amidst other joyful figures & I showed him the slip. With tears falling down his face, he took me in his arms. I kept on blabbering some inaudible words beneath my breath & tears. I was so happy I could reward my parents this priceless slip. After all, they had been there in the battlefield with me the entire time. I was blessed, more than ever. Alhamdulillah.

Then came the complimentary seeing all my teachers, to inform & thank them, seeing my friends & some of my juniors, pictures, etc. The day was too good to be true. I couldn't comprehend the amount of gratitude & pride I felt the entire day. I couldn't acknowledge how this was actually the reality. All the hard work that I put, had paid off. I take pride in every effort I invested, just for the sake of The Almighty.

The overwhelming day finally came to an end, & all the congratulating wishes finally subsided after about a week. Frankly, I didn't even use the SPM results for anything except for a copy to my college & my scholarship body so they could acknowledge that I met the requirement & was eligible to continue my studies with their funding. I put the slip safe & soundly in my drawer. By then, SPM was done & dusted, forgotten over time until I would use the story again some time in the future to tell my kids something about the past.

Here's something most of you may not know - I was recognised by the government as one of the top 50 SPM scorers in the country. For that, I was awarded with the National Scholarship, a premier scholarship automatically awarded to the top 50 scorers in the country. After weighing all the possibilities, considering the opportunity costs of having to start A levels all over again & left 1 year behind the current schedule, discussing with a few parties & listening to what the government may have to offer, I decided to continue with Yayasan Khazanah. There were points in time when I regretted the decision, mainly because I had to let go of the college of my dreams, Kolej Yayasan UEM (KYUEM), & most of my friends who are there too, but I know I had to make sacrifices either way.

So now, here I am, in Taylor's College Subang Jaya, with AS exam coming in 8 days, freaking out as I have yet to feel the pressure of exams.

Okay, now that you have known a bit of the events that occurred in my life since the past year, here's the truth from my point of view. There's always 2 sides to a coin, 2 sides of a story. I find it saddening when people say I may have lived a perfect life, that I have got everything that everyone desires. This is not particularly true; for I know myself better, & that I know I am not perfect. Nobody's perfect, everyone makes mistakes. The only difference between you & me, is that once I make a mistake, the entire world knows. I'm just tired of living to meet people's expectations; that I have to stay good, not commit any obvious mistakes, be a good role model. It's tiring being the good guy everyday. There was once when I asked a few of my friends "what would you describe me to people who don't know me", & their replies were devastating.

It occurred to me that I am no more than the word "smart". People only know me as that good kid in class who constantly achieved 4.00 GPA & got straight A+ in SPM & a Khazanah scholar. It's sad, you see, because even when they've known me for years, & that's the only thing they know about me. The most hurtful part is when they really get to know me, they would always say something like "I didn't expect you to be like this", in a bad way. It's as if I'm always perceived to be naturally good & perfect, & that I'm not allowed to make mistakes. It's heartbreaking not having any attributes more than the mere word "smart". It's sad when people almost always say "kau pandai boleh lah". I'm more than that.

Sometimes, I just want to run away from people, wanting to start all over again. I gathered great courage to post this up, because I know some of you may think I'm an ungrateful brat who only complains about my almost perfect life. This is just how I feel everyday, the constant thoughts that never seem to fade away. I told you it's hard living with social anxiety, having thoughts like this continuously running through my head. I just hope people would understand, & not only see me as a smart kid. It puts a lot of pressure on me, & it's not easy living like this every single day. It's hard, & I'm trying to find a solution.

So after this when I complain, please don't only look at the surface. At least get to know the roots of why I say I'm stressed out. I'm sorry for ranting, but these are my thoughts.
Black Moustache