This blog is where I escape from reality & is the result of the listening part of me. Oh btw, I dont talk much in real life.


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Wednesday, 13 January 2016

It wasn't a gracious start to the year as I had hoped for. Kicked off the year feeling worthless as ever, with overwhelming days & empty nights. Everything decided to fall apart, bit by bit, until I think I've lost it all. I promised myself to hold on tight to one thing only, as I suck at commitments. Yet again, I had violated that oath countless times. It seems like I would often disappoint the only person who ever mattered, irregardless of any circumstances; myself.

The past few days had been terror. Went through the same old sleepless nights with never-ending, self-destructing late night thoughts, gradually losing my self esteem after what seemed like forever in keeping it together. Funny how it took so long for me to finally redeem myself, but it only took a matter of minutes for it to shatter into pieces.

But then again, the old me would just sit under the covers, cry the whole night until all my tears dry up only to wake up the next morning with soggy eyes & puffed cheeks, let all the emotions consume me during the day that I won't have the mood to do anything except just feeling like stabbing myself in the face with a fork. That's the old, pessimist Qadri.

Not this time around.

I decided, after those periods of despair I had been through, that I would want to change how I look at things now. However bad things may be, I would always choose to look at the brighter side of life. No matter how stressful it is, it will soon pass. I would remind myself that none of this would matter in a few months time. I would not even remember why I was sad about in a few years time. I would only choose to remember the times I felt content with what I have. I choose to be grateful of whatever I have now instead of being apprehensive of what I've lost or was never meant to be mine.

I'm just tired of being sad. I really hate feeling this way. It's about time I do something about it. Instead of just sitting around waiting for things to change, I decide to change myself.

Come to think of it, many gratifying events had happened in these first few weeks of 2016. I got a secondhand car from my parents, which broke down in the middle of a highway when I was driving alone after only a day of driving it. Then the car was completely refurbished, which was completely free of charge because of warranty. Blessing in disguise, as my mum had said. I spent New Year's Eve with my best friend watching fireworks from the top of a hill near my house. I already got a few birthday presents from my friends, although my birthday is not until the 17th. My AS results came out shockingly satisfying, which made me proud of myself. I already secured a conditional offer into the university of my dreams, which I am looking forward to attend this coming October.

All in all, life's actually been quite comfortable for me, & I've never been more grateful. Alhamdulillah.

ps; Still wondering if you were ever going to forgive me. I'm genuinely, truly, deeply sorry.
Black Moustache