This blog is where I escape from reality & is the result of the listening part of me. Oh btw, I dont talk much in real life.


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Friday, 5 February 2016

I think I'm too caught up with the past to the point where I would get too scared to embrace new things. It's not that I'm scared of the uncertainties; I'm just scared that I would get used to the new surroundings that I would forget about previous great things that for sure won't happen twice. To put it in a simpler way, I'm just scared of getting to know new people & end up emotionally investing too much energy in them that I would get used to having someone around again & eventually leave behind the people who once cared for me.

I'm currently in a place where I'm getting really tired of people & I feel like I'm better off alone. I'm in no situation of having another human being to constantly reassure me that everything's going to be okay, or for me to turn to whenever I don't feel good about myself, or someone who would just be there whenever I needed. I don't need that for the time being. I just want to be self-sufficient. I don't need to find anybody else to "complete" me. I, for one, am not a half. I am a whole by myself.

I don't really feel good about myself being committed to another person right now. I think I'm too torn from my previous encounters. I gave my all, but the best of me still wasn't enough. How am I supposed to love boldly after this knowing that everything still went down the drain even after I had loved someone as much as I did?

If it's ever possible for me to start loving again, it would take much effort & time. It's just that I've never thought I could ever love someone as much as I did - it's ridiculous. I still check up on you once in a while, though I know the last bit of care you had for me is long gone. I still care. The question is, do you still care?

Feelings are weird. One day they all decided to go away, & then hit me whenever they feel like it. Almost always, they hit right when I'm down to my knees.

How long will I be hopelessly in love with you? I honestly have no idea. I've been thinking a lot about us lately, the constant crisis of whether or not should I bother you? Or should I still give you time? Or should I wait for you? How long will I be willing to wait? I don't know.

All I know is, I'd still choose you no matter what. Over & over again. It was always you. Always had, always will.
Black Moustache