This blog is where I escape from reality & is the result of the listening part of me. Oh btw, I dont talk much in real life.

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Thursday, 31 March 2016

All my life I've been taught that mistakes come with punishment. I remember how it was like when I was young, how terrible it felt like every time I did something bad. How dreadful it was if any one of my siblings ratted out to my parents, or threatened to do so. It was all about being the perfect kid, without letting our parents know what us siblings were up to. I would not consider this as keeping stuff from my parents, but sometimes we just don't have the guts to do so because we know what we would get in return. Very conventional, traditional Asian family, yep.

I guess that explains some of the things I did recently. Not to say what happened was not my fault, but I just feel terrible about breaking the news to the people I wronged to. I never have the courage to confront people if it's about what I did. In return, I would take the liberty of ruling the verdict myself. I've been punishing myself for mistakes I've done in the past, taking them out on me, repeatedly telling myself how appalling I am to other people. It's all in my head, but I can't seem to let it go. For once, I want to be able to let my mistakes go. For once, I want to be easy on myself.

What use there is when other people keep telling me how terrific of a person I am, if I keep telling myself otherwise? I have my own insecurities, & confidence will always be the major one. I can't keep doubting myself if I ever wanted to go the extra mile. I feel like I've missed out on a lot of opportunities just because I told myself I couldn't do it. I can't set my foot on that one.

I have to cut loose from my doubtful self, & start telling myself no. No, I actually can do it.
Black Moustache