This blog is where I escape from reality & is the result of the listening part of me. Oh btw, I dont talk much in real life.

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Thursday, 17 March 2016

Hey, you. I know we haven't been talking for the past few months. But I think there's a few things that I need to get out of my chest - which I doubt you would ever come across now that you're trying so hard to forget me. Funny how even after a year later, this heart still comes back to you.

Funny, too, how vivid I remember the first time you put your arms around me. I was taken aback, but exhilarated at the same time. It felt right in so many ways. The next time you did it, I was prepared. All I ever wanted to do was to drown myself in your arms. I was in comfort even in silence. I've been there a few times, but the distinction between you & everyone else lies in the feelings that came along with it. I've never felt the things I felt with you when I'm with anybody else. You emanate ease, you eradicate misery.

I keep coming back to the time you showed me your favourite songs, with my head on your chest, listening to your heartbeats, hoping you'd breathe for me. Then you told me to change the way I sleep. I sleep on my back ever since. When I woke you up in the middle of the night & said, "I'm so sleepy", & you whisper "go back to sleep", & you held me tighter as you do. I long for the early hours of the morning, when we're both so tired but we still held each other for comfort.

I won't ever be able to tell you how I really felt about us, which isn't the whole point of me writing this. All the feelings I once had for you are graved, in hopes they won't ever resurface again. I'm burying them deep down inside; a special place for someone really special. It's even funnier when I realise how it's been 2 years since the feelings knocked on my door, eventually becoming stronger as we progressed, & how they never really left even after you're gone.

I'm not saying I want to badly move on for you, trust me I wouldn't if I didn't have to. I just think the time has come. I can't help thinking about anything else except you. You're there on days I can't concentrate in class, there when I hang out with my friends hoping you were there too, there at nights I couldn't put my eyes to sleep wishing you were next to me. Even when you're not there, you're there. Like when I don't see you liking my posts or viewing my story. You're always there somewhere in the back of my mind. Funny, right?

I'm not mad at you for leaving. I completely understand where it came from, & how awful things turned out. I'm just not sure if I could ever forgive myself for what I've done, what more when I'm clueless whether or not you've forgiven me. To be honest, I'm not prepared of losing you. How many times have I stayed despite our rough times? How many times have I looked past all that just because I can't bear the thought of losing you?

A part of me wants you to be happy & wants to let you go. Another stubborn part of me still wants to hold on in case you come back soon. Forever will I be torn between those two. Time will heal, but it will never erase.

ps; the things you read may not be parallel to what you have in mind
Black Moustache