This blog is where I escape from reality & is the result of the listening part of me. Oh btw, I dont talk much in real life.

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Thursday, 21 April 2016

What do you call a person who keeps things all to himself? Selfish? Maybe all-consuming? Egoistic, perhaps?

When it comes to people I love, I consider myself obsessive. I want to spend every minute possible watching their hauntingly beautiful face, or hearing the soothing rhythm of their breath. I'm obsessed with their presence. Basically I just want to keep them close to me, reminding me how blessed I am to have them by my side. Everything makes sense when they're around.

Once I get attached to a person, I would do anything to keep them close to me. With all that happened recently, I've tried my very best to keep myself from getting attached to anyone. However somehow, I still find myself in the same place I was before. Oh boy. The moment I realise I can't go a week without seeing or talking to them, I know I'm heading towards that.

I think it's safe to say that I'm selfish when it comes to people I attach myself to. I get awfully jealous when I see them spending time with someone else without me. I can't help seeing them talk to another person too if I'm around. If possible, I wouldn't want anyone near them at all. Just me. I want to be the only person who they'll ultimately turn to, whether times are good or bad. I told you I'm obsessive. I think I need to get some professional help.

You know, people always tell me that it's cute when I get jealous of the people I love. They told me I get jealous because of how much I actually care. But I think that same obsessive, cute jealousy became a fatal flaw. A flaw that had cost me so much in the past. When I get obsessive, I want them all to myself, which ultimately pushed them further away from me when all I really want is to keep them close.

Someone once told me, when someone tells you "I love you", that doesn't mean they're talking about you. When they utter those words, they're actually telling you about themselves. How much they actually care about you that they are vulnerable enough to have the courage to let you know through those spoken words. They're not talking about how good you look or how when they see you they just want to grab you in their arms & kiss you all over. Instead, they're opening up a space from deep within for you to nestle & would probably never let you go.

I sense that I'm getting attached, but that little voice in my head keeps reminding me of what I went through. I'm just keeping a safe distance for now. I'm not brave enough yet to step into the circle & let my guard down again. I'm terrified of someone being a part of my life for so long because it's going to hurt so much once they leave.
Black Moustache