This blog is where I escape from reality & is the result of the listening part of me. Oh btw, I dont talk much in real life.


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Sunday, 12 June 2016

How do you get rid of the past? How do some people just throw it all away & move on like it's long gone? Did they miraculously wake up one day & forget? I mean, I've had some disturbing & rather traumatic experiences in the past that still affect me until today.

Back in primary school, I struggled with self-confidence. I've never really told anyone about this, but back then people would call me mean names to the point where I can't roam through the hallways alone without getting anxiety attacks. I was lucky that my classmates were all great, & that my class was separated from the other classes of my year. Luckily too that I had a group of friends who constantly supported me throughout my days in school. I dreaded the times when I had to do my rounds as a prefect from class to class because I knew people would say awful things to me. It was never easy for me to leave the classroom alone, because I was so scared & self-conscious every time I step outside the sanctuary that is the classroom. Primary school basically wasn't a good time for me.

I feel like a lot of potential in me was withheld during that phase of my life. I was scared of trying out new things simply because I'm scared of what people would say about me. Until now, I'm really insecure in my skin & my confidence is easily shaken. A few triggering words can instantaneously transport me back to those dreadful days.

I think being in a boarding school has unconsciously given me the courage to expand my horizons. I really wanted to start fresh when I first stepped into high school, to stop carrying the baggage that's always been on my shoulders. It's time to finally let the problem slide down the hill after trying to push it up myself for so long. I didn't want to deny myself the opportunities that I've been previously avoiding. I started to change my outlook on life, bit by bit. I didn't really realise how much I've accomplished until the end, when I looked back on my high school days. Those are the kind of days that made me realise who I am.

There's still a lot more that I aspire to achieve. We never really have enough - don't we always crave for something more? It all started from within; I gave myself a whole new chance at creating who I am & how I want people to remember me by. I found another perspective of how I view my life, & stuck on that positive note ever since. I let every situation be as it is, without expecting it to be what I hope it turns out to be. You know, making the best out of what I have instead of fretting over the things I don't have or have no power to change. I do not, by any chance, let people define me. Only I can define myself. They can talk as much as they want, but as long as I know what I'm doing, with grace & faith, I know I'll be just fine.
Black Moustache