This blog is where I escape from reality & is the result of the listening part of me. Oh btw, I dont talk much in real life.


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Tuesday, 10 January 2017

I can't help but notice how defensive I get now when people express their affection to me. I guess being broken for too long made me forget how to react to love. They keep showering me with love, handle me with delicate care, actually ask how I'm doing - just generally show how much they appreciate me, & all I could do is say thanks. Nothing less, nothing more. Maybe sometimes I just make a silly joke or act like I don't get the hint to brush it off. I'm afraid of reciprocating back the love and care because I'm still unsure if I should let my guards down again. God knows how much I wouldn't want getting my heart crushed after giving it to someone expecting they would give their heart & soul in handling it. Traumatised, you can say.

I feel bad for these people, as they have always stood by me. I just can't make it without applying at least some level of caution in the relationships I build around me. I don't know, man. I really can't afford another phase of broken heart.

It's not that I don't acknowledge the care they've been giving me, I just don't know how to respond without getting myself attached to them. It's even harder when I'm usually a sucker when it comes to people showering me with affection. Well, I've made a fairly conscious effort into not getting myself attached to anyone so I wouldn't want to mess around with matters of the heart anymore.

After you've put in effort to mend your broken self, after you picked up the pieces left of you on your own, you won't just easily let other people destroy what you've built. You simply don't, because trust me it's not easy. Takes a hell lot of forcing myself to get out of bed every morning and be positive that eventually time will heal the pain. Having to be positive each day is not easy, mate.

I've built these stupid walls around me to protect myself from any sort of emotional harm. When the right person comes along, I know they will put in effort to pick down the bricks with their bare hands. One after another until the walls come tumbling down. Until I feel safe to step outside again. I just hope they won't give up on me while I relearn to trust and fall again. Now I'm scared if I fell too deep, I'd drown just like I drowned in unrequited love once.

p.s.: I miss these two.
Black Moustache