This blog is where I escape from reality & is the result of the listening part of me. Oh btw, I dont talk much in real life.


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Monday, 15 May 2017

Social interactions exhaust me. I would choose snuggling on the couch with some snacks and a good movie over meeting people any day. Ok to be fair, I'm not against human interactions like 100% being alone 24/7 no not that kind. It's the interactions that require you to talk to people you're not really comfortable talking to. The ones with at least one awkward 5 seconds silence while you reach for topics in the back of your mind while you look into the distance because you aren't comfortable looking them in the eye. Also the ones where you're surrounded by so many people yet you still feel like nobody wants to talk to you aka the worst kind.

Before going on any large gatherings, I would always make sure to go with a friend, or at least with someone I can tail around so I would not feel too out of place. I'd get super anxious if I'm left alone with many people around me and usually I'll end up looking for the toilet because apparently that's the only place I won't suffocate as much. It's not often that I enjoy being around too many people. Some other times I do, and when I do, you would notice. Or else I'd be the wallflower. At least I have my phone with me.

Being an introvert means I'd need to recharge myself after forcibly draining myself of the energy to socialise. Usually I wouldn't have any unnecessary interactions afterwards and would just head to bed. I'd need peace and some time to myself to get rid of the fatigue and be ready to face the next day. I value my space and alone time and I'm not one to waste my time being around people I'm not comfortable with.

This is the ultimate reason why I fail in my past relationships. They all started more or less the same, though. I love the attention I get in the early stages of the relationship. We would talk constantly and everything seems to be wonderful. We'd talk about our future plans, talk about our past lives. Somehow we never stop wanting to be in each other's presence.

This would go great until a point where I find all the attention I get (or need to give) becomes overwhelming. The constant texts start to get annoying. The yearn for nightly FaceTimes becomes a burden. The selfies become a task rather than in-the-moment kind of thing.

I don't think it's something that I can control. I think I just need some time to myself before being able to get into the relationship mode again. But then by the time I'm recharged and ready to ~shower my love~, the other person would have already given up.

Now and then I wouldn't reply to their texts for days and then I would appear out of nowhere as if nothing's changed. This comes across as confusing to them but then I don't think the relationship would fail just because of that. To be frank, the reason I never talk about my situation, how I need time to myself, the fact that I find all the attention overwhelming and I occasionally need some alone time is because I'm afraid they would get the wrong idea. I want to make the relationship work but if I can't function properly then what's the point of trying? Normally by the time I explain this to them it would already be too late.

It's probably a fear of commitment too but let's not delve into that for now.

Okay enough with that. Truth is I saw a really good movie the other day and it made me miss having a girlfriend. That was when I thought about all of this and realise I'm not ready for a relationship yet cause I clearly have issues I need to deal with. I don't know when I will ever be ready.
Black Moustache